Dhuan

Smoke in English

Statutory Warning: Smoking is injurious to health

I smoke, even I was not aware when did the DHUAN engulf me. All I know is that I am lost. Its’ hazy out there, and I have no clues where I should head for. All I know is that I am walking blindfolded, not even sure of the next step. Whether I will fall or wait for another step to fall is a matter of few steps.

But I was not supposed to be like this.

How did I start to smoke? As I said, I don’t know. But why did I start? Perhaps I know. I always dreamt life. It was me and my dreams, living in a world of unknown, a world which knew no bounds. So I was simultaneously a fighter pilot, the Prime Minister, Nobel Peace Prize winner and a journalist. It was fun. But then I woke up.

`Who are YOU?’ said the Caterpillar.

This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, `I–I hardly know, sir, just at present– at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.’

`What do you mean by that?’ said the Caterpillar sternly. `Explain yourself!’

`I can’t explain MYSELF, I’m afraid, sir’ said Alice, `because I’m not myself, you see.’

`I don’t see,’ said the Caterpillar.

`I’m afraid I can’t put it more clearly,’ Alice replied very politely, `for I can’t understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.’

–Alice in wonderland

YEH HAI MERI KAHANI

In the last few months, I have become immune to myself. I have started to ignore myself. Neither have I had answers to questions of the Caterpillar, nor to my own. Earlier I never used to seek answers to questions, I was confident enough to find them, and answer them almost instantly. But now, I have a pile of them, waiting to be answered.

I surely must have changed a several times.

Perhaps, there is too much in my mind wanting to be heard. But KIS SE KAHEN is again pending unanswered. Sometimes I feel having a dual personality. So while one is completely lost, the other seems to be the dominant past. I find in him someone who never stopped thinking, someone who never stopped dreaming, someone who never stopped trying. Let this someone be denoted by the variable ‘X’; variable since it is no longer a constant for me. Now ‘X’ still does not want to stop, still believes that it was just another exam, still believes I have the aptitude to be a manager, and still believes that the worst is over.

But my lost soul is my naysayer. And I have started to believe him even more with each passing day. I know now that I am hopeless, good for nothing, not worth to be looked upon. But as I said, there is a reason.

I think, and most probably I am correct, it is me who is the reason. Some might disagree, but then I have been running for long. I normally run at a speed of 8.5 mph for 10 minutes on a Treadmill to warm up before my routine workout. But here, I have been running for time immortal and still there is no sign for the workout to begin. Perhaps, I have failed to realize the end of 10 minutes this time. Perhaps I am not content with what I have and so I continue to run. Perhaps, I have forgotten to stop. Perhaps I don’t value my milestones which suddenly appear incredible feats to me. Perhaps I have become schizophrenic dreaming for more than that is possible for me.

Perhaps I am panicking without a reason. Medically this condition (of mind may be) is known as OCD.

Hmm…. Is it because I have been dreaming a lot? To put it correctly, is it because there have been more nightmares than dreams? Perhaps I am choked with DHUAN. I am not able to let the smoke escape me, my lungs are burning. She had asked me not to smoke too much last night. Arrghhh … I cannot breathe any longer.

And suddenly

I woke up again. It was a hell of a dream or …, whatever u may prefer to call it.

It was 5:00 A.M. Flat – 403 has an air conditioned room where I am put up. No, I still cannot own one, but this seems to be one of the few places on earth fit to be called as heaven. I was sweating with the AC on. First thing I did was to have a look my college mirror hanging on my bathroom. (Yeah, my new room has a bathroom with an attached toilet and a geyser connection). I was still sane, or at least I looked like one. Badru was still sleeping. Normally when I am sleeping, he is awake and JAVAing something and when he is sleeping I am awake and chalking out plans for the next hour. This is known as day level reporting.

It was time for me to head for Campus to workout.

This was just a snapshot from my life so far, perhaps, one which I would want to forget ASAP. My life is not so boring or DARAVNI as it appeared to me in that night horror show. Agreed, Failures outnumber successes for me. But then it does for most successful people. That’s because, after a string of failures you can literally smell your success. I still remember that feeling which I had when I was walking on a road just after the JEE results were out. I was “blushing”. Compare to the same day last year, I was more determined than ever to crack JEE.

I have been like this and NOT like the protagonist of the matinee horror show DHUAN. My failures at the personal and professional level were never able to demoralize me for more than a minute. I always came out more eager than ever to do it big. (That does not mean I am going to be a home breaker). I still want to be inspiring for others, I still want to lead from the front, and I still have that arrogance left in me. I still want to be good.

I had a bad dream, I will forget it. It can be difficult, but not impossible if you really want to look ahead and up. But I learnt a lesson. I have come far and I am happily settled (I am still unmarried). I should now learn to slow it down. I should now learn to realize what is the next step for me and when should I take it. I should now learn to recognize that I need not follow the set pattern. I have been setting rules for others, and this time its’ no exception. I need to remember to do it in own way. I have learnt to accomodate others. I have learnt to be less dogmatic. I have learnt to non-imposing. Most importantly, I have learnt to learn.

And NO, I DO NOT SMOKE. It happened just once, that too when I was lost in a dream. You should either give up smoking or give up your thought to smoke.

That’s it; I stop here only to start afresh.

Credits:

Badru: For being my companion, cook, driver, flat mate and above all, my friend. He also does not smoke

The unknown: For being the fictitious character who asked me to smoke less

Journey of a Lifetime

Roorkee
23^rd May 2006

The time has come to bid adieu to the IIT, our home for the last 4 years. It was our fervent passion, a zeal which saw us in here. As the scorching heat of May takes its toll on us, we are on an exciting threshold of our lives, raring to conquer what lies ahead. But in this perspiration, we seek not to forget the memories of the yester years. We seek not to forget our friends who were our companions in the adventure that spanned across the most rewarding and wonderful 4 years of our existence.

Our batch of 2006, Electrical Engineering was the most unique and perhaps the biggest among its peers. Even when we embodied a rare confluence of diverse personas, we all learnt the nuances of the stream together. Our classrooms were full of vigor and could always boast of some of most nascent and intriguing thoughts. This was an experience we can never forget, come what may. Those exhausting lectures, those demanding practical classes, those ubiquitous tutorial submissions, and those eventful night outs before the TSs and the end sems had all become a part and parcel of our lives, the joys and sorrows of which, we shared together.

This year book of 2006 is a sincere attempt to pack these memoirs, so that they may never erode with time. Albeit difficult to comprehend in a few pages, but truthful as they are, they bring out our experience of a lifetime. We believe that you will carry it along till eternity and enjoy it afresh every time you open it. It will, and we are sure of it, make those joyous moments come live again.

With a heavy heart, we bid goodbye to Roorkee.

And till we all get together again circa 2031 at the college reunion,
Happy Life!!!

Always Yours

Electrical Engineering Department
Batch of 2006

The First note

Dear Sonal

It has been a while since we have met and shared a thought or two. Writing to you is indeed an experience for me, as I wish to consolidate my experiences in these few odd pages. I have named it as the First Note, hoping sincerely that you would trust me to consult in times to come.

The last few months have seen an end of an era for me, personally as my undergraduate studies draw to an end, and socially as new teams assume the reign, and promise to continue with the responsibility albeit more diligently.

I could clearly comprehend the need of a team for a group to succeed. For the success of the team, a pragmatic approach is needed. It is difficult to head a team, but it is more difficult to take the team as a single entity forward. Let your team not be a group of individuals. It would require support from all quarters, one of them will be you. Your support for the team would be indispensable. You will have to choose between the two: importance of work for team or the importance of team for the work.

Through these years, I have been a witness to both successes and failures. As I write, I expect you to witness the same, but I also wish that you may never get demoralized by your failures. Treating them as stepping stones in your stride towards success and fame would only help to achieve the goals. At the same time, I would miss out on my duty by not warning you against getting complacent at the prospect of a short term success. Never let your ego grow so high that it eclipses the very reason of its existence.

At times you may find yourself at conflict with your responsibilities as a team member and personal priorities. I attended to the former. But lately I have come to know that too much of goodness is also a bane. I may do well to warn you against your work becoming your personal life. This will come up as a remedy to lot of troubles which I only wish you never have to face.

I never had an opportunity to learn with you. I look at you as one of the most promising juniors with the vigor and the zeal to achieve the targets set up for you. Your work for website, research papers, tutorials and alumni portal is highly commendable. Indeed, it would have been my good fortune to learn so much in so less time. You owe it your determination which I wish would never erode.

As I end my “First Note”, I wish that you fathom greater heights of success. Let success never elude you. Please feel free to get in touch with me, both for a reason and without one. It would be nice to hear from you regularly.

It was indeed an experience to write to you.

Vivek Sharma

Howrah Bridge

“Accha hai, zindagi ka ek phase khatam hua ” Papa said looking at the group photograph. That was 24^th May 2006.

Phase was something that I have been long associated with. I was taught that there are 3 phases, red, green and blue and they all meet to end in a black neutral. There was lot to it that tormented me for these four years, but I could recall only this much at the end of the day. Which phase was papa talking about was not clear, but I was sure that it did not end in black. As in EE, all the phases rotate in a unit circle, life was also one hell of a vicious circle. First it was she, and then it was she. I could only rest on my friend’s shoulder. Recently a confidante of mine brought me to yet another unconquered angle of success. Should it be treated, as a failure is a matter of discussion? I leave it upon you.

I was thrilled at the proposition to meet all of them this summer vacation. This will not be the last, for I am sure time would bring more. Didi had just come back from her tour-de-Europe; the summer vacations of the four kids had kicked off. Of them, three were always on move, panchavati to salt lake and back. Their innocence always surprised me. When I was of their age, I used to be more worried about the rank in the class; they seemed to be more interested in everything else.

The fourth one, she seemed to have grown up.

The train was late by 1 hour 15 minutes. But my excitement even killed that time. In the scorching heat of Delhi, I was also developing an interest. I still cannot explain it to myself. The human emotions can tend to be irrational. Sometimes they cannot be explained in words. But she has a sweet name, abhee tak kewal filmon mein suna tha.

And so it started. I reached 2 hours late. There is something in the sultry wind of the city. My favorite part of journey is when the train enters Howrah. As I hung from the gate of the Poorva express, I was welcomed by the wind. The imposing Howrah Bridge overlooked me with its stark eyes. The gleaming headlights of yellow taxis, cacophonous horns of red buses, the caravan of people moving over it gave it a character of life. It always stood tall to see that I cross the holy river, which would soon meet its fate in Bay of Bengal. This ended with the stench of the fish at the railway station. Some things, it seemed would never change.

The worst part of journey is when the same scene is replayed, this time in reverse order.

A conflict was on the anvil. As expected, it caught me unexpected, or should I say that I created it unknowingly. It was me who had suggested a change in school. I encountered a challenge. There was a seeming contrast between the approaches and beliefs. Without any delay, I would put forward my point.

The first and the foremost requirement are to identify your long-term prospects. This should be without any bias and normally this is the easiest part of the journey to be set forth upon. After all, there is no limitation to dream big. Some aspire to be computer engineers; some aspire to set up VSCLs, some just to live happily ever after.

The choice has been made; she wants to be a computer engineer. In this era of cutthroat competition and reservation, no one can be that sure of a choice. But here we have a problem. She also wants to be an IITIAN. Here is where the conflict starts. Read on!!!

In a foray to the four years at Roorkee, I can elucidate certain characteristics of our lives. We are a bunch of mostly guys and a hopelessly low girl populace who have been a result of a rejection process (read IIT JEE). We are always career oriented. We thrive on competition. We are always made to believe that we are not the crowd. The opportunities and the accompanying responsibilities are both abundant in number. We are always kept on the toes. Demanding practical submissions, challenging tutorial classes, ubiquitous lectures and never ending evaluations always keep us on the move. But we do not crib over rigors of academics; it has been with us for a while now since we started to understand.

As this was not enough, we are responsible for one of the most thriving campus lives. Always studded with student festivals, tournaments, tours, competitions, clubs, sports, they end up in making a journey of a lifetime. These things find priority over eating, bathing, grooming and even sleeping. We fight time. We have an in house tendency to do every thing at the eleventh hour and still come clean. We have guys who end up getting the biggest pay checks in spite of a non-existent academic record. Most of us have a success story to tell.

But then there are losers too. These are those guys (mysteriously, you never find girls in this category) who were not clear of the end. Most of us are clear from the beginning of the end of the four years. We divert our energies in that direction from the day 1. So while some of us pursue projects, some of us write software and some do societal activity. There are distractions in the way, but then they were present earlier too. But our low or negligible sensitivity to our environment make us infallible. We are either not into it or get over it as soon as it starts to get into our career-oriented approach.

Those who get distracted, stray out of the way. They either don’t take the trouble to get into the system or else end up being out of the system.

Is it all that demanding? Yes, it is. IITs are the only places in the country where you would be surrounded by iitians only. Every one would want to succeed, and eventually does so. But what makes us click is as said earlier, is our clear-cut approach to life. We separate life into emotions and career, and pursue latter without the former. This strong-headed way has been instilled in us from the very beginning; from the time we made the first choice. There is always time for all those things, and success can be quick especially when you have a ticket to the IITs.

I failed, miserably in driving this point to her. She is an emotional cutie pie; she would start to cry when she will not find a ganda bhaiya at home. She is my beautiful kid, who is too young to get distracted.

But I trust her that as always she would never let us down. Her success means more since she may eventually make me realize that there could be another way to success, a way where the mobile phones play a much larger role. I sometimes find myself at the crossroads. At one point of time, I need to be a stern guide who would not let his pupil get distracted, at others a weak brother who cannot see his gudiya cry. I have now left it over her to get me out of this conflict of interest.

And so my journey was an eye opener. I failed to instill any kind of inspiration in my kinsfolk. I realized that with changing times, there will be resistance to my approach. What appeared to be a futile waste of time to me then, may have assumed greater importance today. Those three musketeers would never listen to me unless I talk nonsense to them. But I must say that M&D were clever enough to make me do most of their holiday homework.

I came back through the same route; summer was at its peak. Finally I left Howrah. I now wait to move to my next destination, a place in south. I now wait to return back to Howrah to meet them all.