Dhuan

Smoke in English

Statutory Warning: Smoking is injurious to health

I smoke, even I was not aware when did the DHUAN engulf me. All I know is that I am lost. Its’ hazy out there, and I have no clues where I should head for. All I know is that I am walking blindfolded, not even sure of the next step. Whether I will fall or wait for another step to fall is a matter of few steps.

But I was not supposed to be like this.

How did I start to smoke? As I said, I don’t know. But why did I start? Perhaps I know. I always dreamt life. It was me and my dreams, living in a world of unknown, a world which knew no bounds. So I was simultaneously a fighter pilot, the Prime Minister, Nobel Peace Prize winner and a journalist. It was fun. But then I woke up.

`Who are YOU?’ said the Caterpillar.

This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, `I–I hardly know, sir, just at present– at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.’

`What do you mean by that?’ said the Caterpillar sternly. `Explain yourself!’

`I can’t explain MYSELF, I’m afraid, sir’ said Alice, `because I’m not myself, you see.’

`I don’t see,’ said the Caterpillar.

`I’m afraid I can’t put it more clearly,’ Alice replied very politely, `for I can’t understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.’

–Alice in wonderland

YEH HAI MERI KAHANI

In the last few months, I have become immune to myself. I have started to ignore myself. Neither have I had answers to questions of the Caterpillar, nor to my own. Earlier I never used to seek answers to questions, I was confident enough to find them, and answer them almost instantly. But now, I have a pile of them, waiting to be answered.

I surely must have changed a several times.

Perhaps, there is too much in my mind wanting to be heard. But KIS SE KAHEN is again pending unanswered. Sometimes I feel having a dual personality. So while one is completely lost, the other seems to be the dominant past. I find in him someone who never stopped thinking, someone who never stopped dreaming, someone who never stopped trying. Let this someone be denoted by the variable ‘X’; variable since it is no longer a constant for me. Now ‘X’ still does not want to stop, still believes that it was just another exam, still believes I have the aptitude to be a manager, and still believes that the worst is over.

But my lost soul is my naysayer. And I have started to believe him even more with each passing day. I know now that I am hopeless, good for nothing, not worth to be looked upon. But as I said, there is a reason.

I think, and most probably I am correct, it is me who is the reason. Some might disagree, but then I have been running for long. I normally run at a speed of 8.5 mph for 10 minutes on a Treadmill to warm up before my routine workout. But here, I have been running for time immortal and still there is no sign for the workout to begin. Perhaps, I have failed to realize the end of 10 minutes this time. Perhaps I am not content with what I have and so I continue to run. Perhaps, I have forgotten to stop. Perhaps I don’t value my milestones which suddenly appear incredible feats to me. Perhaps I have become schizophrenic dreaming for more than that is possible for me.

Perhaps I am panicking without a reason. Medically this condition (of mind may be) is known as OCD.

Hmm…. Is it because I have been dreaming a lot? To put it correctly, is it because there have been more nightmares than dreams? Perhaps I am choked with DHUAN. I am not able to let the smoke escape me, my lungs are burning. She had asked me not to smoke too much last night. Arrghhh … I cannot breathe any longer.

And suddenly

I woke up again. It was a hell of a dream or …, whatever u may prefer to call it.

It was 5:00 A.M. Flat – 403 has an air conditioned room where I am put up. No, I still cannot own one, but this seems to be one of the few places on earth fit to be called as heaven. I was sweating with the AC on. First thing I did was to have a look my college mirror hanging on my bathroom. (Yeah, my new room has a bathroom with an attached toilet and a geyser connection). I was still sane, or at least I looked like one. Badru was still sleeping. Normally when I am sleeping, he is awake and JAVAing something and when he is sleeping I am awake and chalking out plans for the next hour. This is known as day level reporting.

It was time for me to head for Campus to workout.

This was just a snapshot from my life so far, perhaps, one which I would want to forget ASAP. My life is not so boring or DARAVNI as it appeared to me in that night horror show. Agreed, Failures outnumber successes for me. But then it does for most successful people. That’s because, after a string of failures you can literally smell your success. I still remember that feeling which I had when I was walking on a road just after the JEE results were out. I was “blushing”. Compare to the same day last year, I was more determined than ever to crack JEE.

I have been like this and NOT like the protagonist of the matinee horror show DHUAN. My failures at the personal and professional level were never able to demoralize me for more than a minute. I always came out more eager than ever to do it big. (That does not mean I am going to be a home breaker). I still want to be inspiring for others, I still want to lead from the front, and I still have that arrogance left in me. I still want to be good.

I had a bad dream, I will forget it. It can be difficult, but not impossible if you really want to look ahead and up. But I learnt a lesson. I have come far and I am happily settled (I am still unmarried). I should now learn to slow it down. I should now learn to realize what is the next step for me and when should I take it. I should now learn to recognize that I need not follow the set pattern. I have been setting rules for others, and this time its’ no exception. I need to remember to do it in own way. I have learnt to accomodate others. I have learnt to be less dogmatic. I have learnt to non-imposing. Most importantly, I have learnt to learn.

And NO, I DO NOT SMOKE. It happened just once, that too when I was lost in a dream. You should either give up smoking or give up your thought to smoke.

That’s it; I stop here only to start afresh.

Credits:

Badru: For being my companion, cook, driver, flat mate and above all, my friend. He also does not smoke

The unknown: For being the fictitious character who asked me to smoke less